Grandpa's Zingers

Grandpa Hansen says some funny one-liners - it's too bad we can't remember them all but if one comes to mind, here's the place to put them:

• "How was your night Grandpa?" "Well, I was trying to keep track but I fell asleep on the job."
• "If you ask a dumb question, you're gonna get a dumb answer."
• "Hey Grandpa, how's it going?" "It goes when I push it."
• When he's slow movin....he says, "I'm comin'. I'm comin'...and so is Christmas!" 
• Cameron said to him one day, “well Grandpa, shuffle over here” and he said, “hey now, I’ve earned that shuffle! 
• How you doing grandpa?  "Well I've got a difficult job - I'm balancing the room"
• The other morning he said, “well . . .” and then trailed off as people do and then said, “you know I was always told that when an old person says 'well . . .' it’s a pretty deep thought."
• The other night at dinner when we were talking about how the church is particular about putting certain types of tape on walls, chalk boards, etc JaNae was trying to explain why when Grandpa cut in with, “well it’s because the tape is manufactured by the Catholics.”
• Grandpa: If you want a laugh, just follow me around
  Julie: I'm going to write that one down
  Grandpa: Don't worry, there's more coming
• While JaNae and Julie were engaged in conversation, Grandpa came strolling by, raised his hand and said, "OK Jewels are you finished? Now JaNae, you finish. And now my turn . . . Damn! I forgot what I was going to say!"
• If someone asks something like, "Is today Tuesday?" Grandpas usual replay is "all day!"
• "It's good to see you, Dad" "It's good to be seen.  At my age - it's good to be anywhere."
• At the doctors office a woman asked if she could sit down next to grandpa.  He replied, "I'll try to control myself this time."
• As they were walking back to see the doctor the nurse asked, "How are you doing this morning, Mr.  Hansen?"  He replied, "I don't know yet, I haven't seen the doctor."
• In the winter Julie looked outside and said,  "looks a little chilly out there." "Chile today and hot tamale," grandpa retorted with a wink.
• At Christmas time out of nowhere Grandpa started singing "shingle nails" [anyone else remember how this goes?]
• What's today "Wednesday . . . unless it rains." Then what day is it? "A rainy day"
• After dinner when asking if we can clear his plate he usually replies, "certainly.  My the service here is tremendous!"
• One morning Grandpa asked Shellee: "Do you have any wallpapering jobs lined up for me this morning?" Shellee said, "nope.  You don't hang wallpaper anymore, Dad, you're nearly 90 years old! Why in the world would you want to do that?" Grandpa rubbed his thumb, pointer and index fingers together and in a near whisper said, "MONEY!"
• Grandpa had been staying at JaNae's and then Shellee came to pick him up.  We explained that he'd be going with Shellee and when he was a little confused we just said, you're so popular we all want to share you.  He said, "I'm more popular than I've ever been.  Maybe I outta go out while I'm at the top."
• There was a rainstorm one day with lots of lightening and thunder.  One particularly loud clap of thunder woke grandpa from his nap.  Shellee mentioned that there seemed to be lots of thunder and without a thought Grandpa said, "Let it rip and let it roar, I'll just sit here and snore."  Shellee said, "wow, dad, where did you hear that?" Grandpa said he just made it up - pretty good for a 90 year-old-man who just woke up!
• The night before Grandpa's 90th Birthday Bash, alluding to the video we were making for him, Julie said, "Tomorrow night we've got a big surprise for you!" Grandpa smiled and said, "Well, I really like Buicks!"
• Grandpa was micromanaging his great-grandsons, Stephen and Lincoln, as they ate their dinner.  If there spoons stopped he'd prod them with "ok, you kids, keep eating" "your mouth should be chewing not talking." "come on now, you eat your dinner."  Stephen turned to him and said, Grandpa when you were a little boy what kind of choices did you make?  Bad choices, good choices, or funny choices?  Grandpa said, "I made good choices because I wanted to help my mother."  Stephen said, "did your mother ask you to eat with good manners?  Because my mother asks me to eat with good manners and so I do it most of the time."  Grandpa replied, "why don't you just eat your dinner."
• When seeing Julie's son Alexander he usually comments, "he's too cute to be a boy."
• Grandpa was sitting really quietly while Kenn, JaNae, DeLynn and Shellee chatted and they asked if he was doing alright.  He said he was just listening and then added, "If somebody's a talker, someone's gotta be a listener!"
• When one of the great grandkids complained, "I'm thirsty" Grandpa replied, "then I'm Friday" (pronounced Fri-dee).